First, if you’re reading this, know you’re doing the right thing to care for yourself (or even someone you care about). Breaking up with your partner is hard, and seeking resources for coping with the heartbreak is important for healing.
Whether you initiated the breakup or not, it can feel like your whole future was destroyed—but in time, you may discover it was a good thing. Right now, though, you might be replaying the whole thing over and over, losing your appetite completely, or hoping for it all to be a dream. Unfortunately, that’s normal; it’s real grief.
Getting over a breakup can be extremely hard, affecting your daily routines, emotional safety, and even your sense of self. But remember, you don’t have to pretend you’re fine. Allow yourself to grieve. Rebuild what makes you, you. And know self-love doesn’t disappear just because you’re not in a relationship.
What you can control right now is how you react and the coping skills you use. In this article, we look at why the end of a relationship can hurt so much, what the grieving process is like, and how to deal with a breakup in a healthy way.
What You’ll Learn
- Why can’t I stop thinking about my ex after a breakup?
- Is it normal for a breakup to feel like grief?
- What can I do to start healing a broken heart?
- When is heartbreak a sign that I may need extra support?
Quick Read
Breaking up is a painful experience that can trigger real grief, impacting your emotional well-being and daily life. It’s crucial to acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to grieve, regardless of who ended the relationship.
Healing involves prioritizing self-care, especially in the immediate aftermath, and creating emotional space by avoiding contact with your ex. Leaning on supportive friends and family can help reduce feelings of isolation, while setting aside dedicated time to process your emotions is beneficial.
Engaging in light physical activity can also help regulate your emotions. In addition, practicing self-compassion and reconnecting with hobbies and interests outside the relationship are essential steps in rediscovering your identity.
Remember, healing takes time, and seeking professional help is a valid option if your grief feels overwhelming. With patience and support, you can move toward healing and rediscover your sense of self.
Why Breakups Hurt So Much
You might be experiencing both mental and physical pain right now, and that’s normal. Breakups can have a tremendous impact on how we feel and interact with the world around us. Here are a few reasons our bodies react this way.
Your brain treats breakups like withdrawal
One reason heartbreak feels so intense is that romantic attachment changes the brain. During a relationship, the brain releases chemicals, like dopamine and oxytocin, that reinforce emotional bonding, pleasure, comfort, and connection.
When the relationship ends, the brain suddenly loses that source of emotional safety. Research has shown that romantic rejection activates brain regions associated with pain, craving, and withdrawal. That’s why heartbreak can feel physically painful and emotionally obsessive at the same time, with many people reporting actions and feelings such as:
- Checking their phone constantly for any message or interaction from their ex
- Feeling more fatigued than usual or feeling a disconnect from those around them
- A desperate desire to reconnect
- Struggling to stop thinking about their ex
- Having painful stomachaches that reduce or even eliminate appetite
Online or in-person interaction with an ex can keep reward pathways activated. One text message or an updated profile picture can instantly reopen the emotional wound.
Humans are wired for connection
By nature, people are deeply wired for connection with others and a sense of belonging. Romantic relationships are typically part of a person’s daily life, from routines to friend groups to planning a family. When your attachment disappears, it can feel incredibly destabilizing.
Although you may know the end of the relationship is better for you, you’ll likely still feel the pull to try to make it work and ignore the red flags. You may miss things like:
- The person you were in the relationship (doing activities together, sharing goals, a sense of adventure, etc.)
- Shared routines that became ingrained in your day, like phone calls, meals together, or watching a favorite show together
- Plans (going on a trip, buying a house, adopting a pet) for the future that you had imagined together
- The feeling of emotional safety, being chosen, or having your “person”
Breakups trigger real grief
Grief is typically associated with the death of a loved one, but it certainly extends to significant life changes like breaking up with your partner. The end of the past relationship can trigger the grieving process, from shock and denial all the way to eventual acceptance.
As you grieve the relationship and the future you were expecting, you might find yourself moving between anger, hope, numbness, and a mix of other emotions in unpredictable ways. Many people also experience physical symptoms after heartbreak, including:
- Chest tightness or heaviness (heavy heart)
- Stomachaches or headaches
- Eating too much or too little
- Feeling fatigue or restlessness
- Sleeping more or having problems staying asleep
Emotional pain after a breakup is real pain—it’s not just “in your head.” A breakup is an intense emotional loss that your body interprets as a threat, so taking care of your health is vital to recovery and moving forward.
The Mental Health Impact of a Breakup
Navigating all that comes with a breakup—not just emotionally but also practical changes like possibly moving out of a shared home, financial instability, and more—is tough. Understanding the impact can help you think about how it may be affecting you and how to manage those feelings.
Emotional well-being
For young people, breakups can be particularly difficult because the brain is still developing. Experiencing your “first real love” can be the best feeling in the world, but if it ends, it can feel like the end of the world.
Common issues that can arise include:
- Anxiety about daily life, the other person, the future
- Symptoms of situational depression or clinical depression
- Increased isolation and feelings of loneliness
- Difficulty concentrating on daily tasks
- Low self-esteem (Why don’t I deserve love?)
- Emotional exhaustion from sorting out the breakup or acting “normal”
For many people, heartbreak temporarily affects nearly every area of life. From managing work expectations to staying on top of family relationships, it can be hard to continue like nothing happened when your brain is clouded by the way things ended.
Reopens old wounds
Sometimes a breakup hurts not just because the relationship ended. It could also trigger older emotional wounds, such as:
- Abandonment
- Rejection
- Trauma
- Insecurity
- Low self-worth
- Attachment patterns
For example, someone with anxious attachment might become consumed with fears of being left or replaced, while someone with avoidant attachment may shut down or suppress their feelings.
Understanding these patterns can help people get a clearer sense of why a breakup hurts so badly. Self-awareness can also help you to identify pieces you need to work through so you can go into future relationships stronger.
The Grieving Process of Breakups
Everyone experiences heartbreak differently, but many people move through emotional stages. Although some stages are shorter than others, and not everyone goes through all the stages, it can be helpful to see where you’re at and that you’re not alone.
Shock and Denial
At first, the breakup may not feel real. Some people feel emotionally numb or continue hoping the relationship will return to normal. You might feel like you’re waiting for that text wanting to get back together or for it all to be a dream.
Anger
As reality sets in, fear and sadness often give way to anger—at the ex-partner, oneself, or the overall situation.
Bargaining
This stage often involves the mind producing obsessive “what if” questions, such as:
- “What if I had communicated better?”
- “Should I reach out one more time?”
- “Were we meant to be together?
People may search for closure and answers, or fantasize about repairing the relationship.
Sadness and Depression
This stage often brings the deepest grief, when you begin to realize the breakup is a permanent reality. Crying, withdrawal, hopelessness, loneliness, and emotional exhaustion are common, but typically, this is temporary.
Acceptance
Over time, people begin their rebuilding routines, identity, and emotional stability. Acceptance does not mean the breakup no longer hurts; it just means the loss becomes easier to carry, and your thoughts don’t center around this person all day, every day.
Healing after a breakup is rarely linear. People often move back and forth between these stages, and external and internal factors can make it harder to reach the acceptance stage. It’s vital to embrace boundaries and focusion your own well-being during this time.
Disenfranchised Grief in a Breakup
Relationship grief can be especially painful when it’s disenfranchised grief—grief that goes unrecognized or minimized by others. Unhelpful responses might include:
- “It was only a few months.”
- “You’re young, you’ll get over it.”
- “At least you weren’t married.”
- “It sounds like you’re better without that person.”
- “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”
When the people around you don’t fully validate or support you, you can experience stronger feelings of isolation and shame. That can lead to worse mental health symptoms and a higher risk of co-occurring issues, such as substance use, to numb the pain.
But if the loss matters to you, it matters. A simple self-validation statement can help, such as: Even if no one else seems to care, my loss is very real to me. From there, you can start the process of healing.
How to Deal with a Breakup: 10 Healthy Ways to Cope and Self-Care Tips
The most important thing you can do after a breakup is to give yourself self-care and self-compassion. Here are 10 tips for how to deal with a breakup.
1. Let yourself grieve
Trying to suppress emotions typically prolongs healing, so it’s time to let it out. Maybe it’s crying to “When the Party’s Over” by Billie Eilish or punching a pillow out of pure frustration—both are valid. Allow yourself to feel the mix of emotions; there’s no need to pretend you’re unaffected.
2. Focus on the first 72 hours
The first few days after a breakup can feel surreal, like you’re floating through a nightmare while life speeds ahead. Remind yourself that there’s no way you can solve your entire future immediately. Take it day by day, or even hour by hour.
Your priority is to take care of yourself the best you can. Try to make it a goal to:
- Drink water regularly
- Eat at least one meal
- Try to get seven to eight hours of sleep
- Take a shower and change your clothes
- Reach out to a friend or family member to talk
- Go outside for a walk or to get some air
Small acts of care are important in the first few days, to help regulate the nervous system after the emotional distress of the breakup.
3. Try going “no contact”after the relationship ends
In an always-on culture supported by excessive screen time, it’s tough to stop focusing on your ex while you attempt breakup recovery. Constant communication can keep hope, anxiety, and emotional pain activated, like reopening the wound with every post or text.
Closure at this time rarely comes from another conversation—especially one that’s late at night or filled with strong feelings. Often, healing begins when you stop waiting to be chosen and start choosing yourself consistently.
A no-contact rule means completely no communication or interaction with your ex once it’s realistic to cut it off. No contact helps create emotional space for healing.
For many people, no contact may include:
- Muting or unfollowing an ex on social media, messaging, gaming platforms, etc.
- Archiving photos of the person or pictures of the two of you together
- Removing reminders that trigger emotional spirals, such as calendar events, alarms, and apps that you shared
- Avoiding checking the actions they’re taking on their online accounts
- Eliminating any digital point of contact you may share, including shared friends, accounts, etc.
It’s often a good idea to communicate that you would like to “go no contact,” and be clear about your boundaries, or ghost the person completely if that’s the safest option. It will be very tough not seeing normal touchpoints you’re used to, but the feeling of reliving difficult emotions is worse. Going no contact takes a lot of willpower, but it is key to shifting your focus to your new future rather than sinking into the past.
Of course, adjusted contact may be necessary for co-parenting, shared housing, school, or safety reasons. Be realistic about your situation and always choose your well-being first.
4. Spend time with supportive people
Isolation often intensifies heartbreak. Support from friends, family members, mentors, chosen family, or other trusted people can reduce loneliness and help regulate overwhelming emotions.
You don’t need to talk directly about the breakup. It’s helpful to just spend time with people and remember there are other things in the world to focus on. And even when you do talk about your past relationship, you might not always need advice. Sometimes, you simply need someone willing to sit with you and your pain.
5. Schedule “grief time”
Some people benefit from intentionally allowing space for emotions and dedicating time to process them. You might have to mask or compartmentalize your emotions about the breakup at work, at school, or with kids, so setting aside time to face your feelings can be helpful.
You might spend 20–30 minutes:
- Journaling about your day and your emotions
- Drafting a letter to your ex that you will never send
- Listening to music that reflects where you’re at in the breakup (Is it more of a “vampire” by Olivia Rodrigo, or a Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” moment?)
- Expressing yourself through art and entering a flow state in your own creativity
As mentioned earlier, grief usually becomes heavier when it is constantly avoided. Plus, you deserve to take time for yourself during this difficult period.
6. Move your body
Movement, exercise, and getting out and about help regulate stress and emotions. This does not need to be intense exercise, nor should you be striving for a “revenge body.” It’s meant to be a self-love effort that shows your body and nervous system that you’re going to be okay.
You could try any type of movement that is doable and accessible to you:
- Walking around your neighborhood
- Stretching or yoga videos on YouTube
- Dancing
- Getting together with friends to play basketball or another team sport
- Swimming at a lake or pool
- Doing deep breathing and other relaxing techniques
Physical movement can help redirect emotional energy and reconnect you to your body.
7. Practice radical self-compassion
Many people ruminate and blame themselves after heartbreak, with thoughts such as:
- “I wasn’t enough for them and I won’t be enough for anyone else.”
- “The breakup was my fault—I ruined everything.”
- “I’ll never be loved again.”
Reflecting on your thoughts and shifting your thought process can be helpful. Try replacing self-criticism with self-compassion: “I am hurting right now, and I am still worthy of love and care.” The pain may feel inescapable at this point, but the more you practice compassionate self-talk, the more it can become a reality.
8. Rediscover your identity
Breakups often create an identity shift and reveal how much you changed while you were together, leaving you wondering, “Who am I really?” Reconnecting with hobbies, passions, friendships, values, and goals can help you remember who you are outside the relationship.
Plus, if you had a negative or toxic relationship, you might have started to feel held back, or began letting go of things you once loved because your partner didn’t like it. Reclaiming these joys can help unlock who you are away from your ex.
Return to things that make you feel like yourself, such as art, reading, cooking, volunteering, gaming, or any other activities that feel like you. Always remember that you are your own person and are not defined by your relationship status or another person.
9. Avoid romanticizing the relationship
After heartbreak, people often focus only on the good moments while ignoring the unhealthy dynamics, incompatibilities, or emotional pain that also existed. Reflection (not rumination!) can help reduce lingering attachment and increase clarity moving forward.
One way to think about red flags in your previous relationship is to write an ick list. Think of your ex-partner’s toxic, annoying, or cringey actions and write a list. Did they judge the clothing you wore? Or fail to celebrate your achievements? Did they lack values that were important to you? This will help you remove the rose-colored glasses and remember what didn’t work.
10. Give yourself time and support when needed
Healing does not happen overnight, and there isn’t an exact timeline. Some days you may feel “over it,” while on other days, grief may hit unexpectedly. That does not mean you are failing. Healing is a gradual, uneven, and deeply human process.
If it feels like things are getting too tough, a depressive episode is lasting too long, or your anxiety is through the roof, always reach out for help. A mental health professional can help you navigate this time and provide you with coping tools to thrive.
Moving Forward After a Breakup on Your Own Time
Healing from a breakup takes time, but heartbreak will not feel this intense forever. Over time, many people begin to notice small signs of progress, like:
- Going longer without checking their phone
- Laughing again with friends
- Feeling more emotionally stable
- Reconnecting with hobbies
- Thinking about the future with less fear
These moments matter. Healing often happens slowly through repeated small choices that reconnect you to yourself. With time, support, healthy boundaries, and self-compassion, it is possible to move toward healthier relationships, with yourself and—when the time is right—with someone new.
When to Get Help for Breakup Grief
You don’t have to do a breakup alone. If you’ve been gentle with yourself and tried the best you can to cope, and you still feel down, that’s okay: There is help.
Therapy can help people process grief, regulate emotions, rebuild self-worth, and better understand their relationship patterns. It might be time to get professional help if:
- Your grief feels unbearable
- Symptoms are interfering with your daily life
- You’ve felt stuck for weeks or months
- You’re using unhealthy coping mechanisms (substance use, for example)
- You feel unsafe emotionally or physically (get immediate help in this case)
- Any existing mental health challenges you have are getting worse
Professional guidance can make healing feel less lonely and more manageable. Plus, it can put you in the right mindset for a future relationship when you’re feeling ready.
Mental Health Support in Minnesota
Heartbreak can be tough, but with the right tools and support, you can get back to a fulfilling life that’s full of love. Getting started in therapy can be a vital step in recovery for many people who have experienced a tough breakup with their partner.
PrairieCare provides a full continuum of care for all ages throughout the Twin Cities, Mankato, and Rochester. With our network of experts and range of program options, we can help you find the comprehensive, whole-person care you deserve. On our first call, we’ll talk about what you’re experiencing and match you with services that can help.
Call our team today at 952-826-8475 or request a complimentary care questionnaire by using the button below.
FAQ
How do you get over a breakup?
- To get over a breakup, acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to grieve. Prioritize self-care, avoid contact with your ex, and lean on supportive friends and family. Engage in activities that help you rediscover your identity and practice self-compassion. Healing takes time, so be patient with yourself.
Why is dealing with a breakup so hard?
- Dealing with a breakup is challenging because it triggers real grief, impacting your emotional well-being and daily life. The loss of a romantic attachment can feel destabilizing, leading to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
How do you look after your mental health during a breakup?
- To look after your mental health, focus on self-care by maintaining routines, engaging in physical activity, and seeking support from loved ones. Set aside time to process your emotions, and consider professional help if your feelings become overwhelming.
Why does losing a relationship hurt so much?
- Losing a relationship hurts because romantic attachments change brain chemistry, making the emotional pain feel similar to physical pain. The brain’s response to rejection activates areas associated with craving and withdrawal, intensifying feelings of loss.
What are some self-care tips for mental health during a breakup?
- Self-care tips include allowing yourself to grieve, staying hydrated and nourished, getting enough sleep, and engaging in light exercise. Schedule time for emotional processing, practice self-compassion, and reconnect with hobbies and interests that bring you joy.
What does breakup grieving involve?
- Breakup grieving involves experiencing a range of emotions similar to those felt after a death, including shock, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. This process is not linear and can include physical symptoms like fatigue and changes in appetite, as well as emotional challenges.