Moving out of your parents’ home and into a dormitory or apartment is a huge rite of passage. Most young adults yearn for the newfound freedom and independence that comes with living on their own. For many, however, dorm or apartment living often means sharing a space with roommates.
Sharing a home with others has its advantages, but it also presents significant challenges. Learning how to navigate life with roommates is an essential part of young adulthood.
What You’ll Learn
- How can living with roommates improve or harm your mental health?
- What ground rules and agreements help prevent roommate conflicts?
- How can you adapt to sharing a space with someone new while protecting your own needs?
- What’s the healthiest way to handle a difficult or incompatible roommate?
Quick Read
Living with roommates can be rewarding—helping you save money, build friendships, and avoid loneliness. But conflicts over noise, cleanliness, or lifestyle differences can quickly create stress and harm your mental health. Since your home environment significantly influences how you feel every day, learning how to navigate roommate relationships is crucial.
Start by setting clear expectations. Discuss boundaries, chores, bills, and guests openly and address problems promptly before they escalate. Respect goes a long way: knock before entering, keep shared spaces clean, and communicate openly, even if you’re not best friends.
When challenges arise, use “I” statements to explain how behaviors affect you, and offer support if your roommate struggles with mental health. If the situation becomes unmanageable, depending on the specific circumstances, it’s okay to seek help or consider relocating. Protecting your mental health means caring for yourself while building a respectful living space.
How Living with Roommates Can Affect Your Well-Being (for Better and for Worse)
There are obvious pros to living with a roommate. Saving money is a big one. The opportunity to expand your social circle and make new friends is another. Warding off loneliness and depression is an advantage, as well. In fact, one study showed that young people who get along with non-relative roommates have better mental health than those who don’t live with others.
On the other hand, when you live with difficult roommates—people who are noisy, messy, untrustworthy, or disrespectful—your well-being can suffer. A small study of college students between the ages of 19 and 22 showed that negative roommate relationships can increase stress and anxiety. And they can reduce your ability to sleep and to focus, especially when you have different lifestyle habits.
The way you feel and function within your home has a significant impact on how you feel and function outside of your home. Therefore, it’s essential to ensure that you and your roommate(s) understand each other and can collaborate to create a harmonious home environment.
How to Create a Positive Relationship with a Roommate
Whether you’ve chosen your roommate(s) or they’ve been chosen for you, you can get the relationship off to a good start, or steer it in a better direction if it’s going downhill. Here are some ways to prevent problems from arising or address them if they’re starting to pop up.
Set Ground Rules
Have a conversation about your expectations and boundaries regarding personal space versus common areas, shared responsibilities versus individual ones, and how socializing and bill handling will be managed. Is leaving dirty dishes in the sink unacceptable? Can friends come over on weeknights? Are you splitting the cost of utilities? Make a list and then have a frank conversation.
Create and Sign an Agreement
After establishing ground rules, write them down in the form of an agreement. Expect that you’ll have to compromise on some issues and that you may need to modify the deal over time; however, a signed agreement should keep both parties accountable. If you’re on the same page early on, you can avoid conflict later.
Share Your Conflict-Resolution Style
It’s helpful to talk with your roommate(s) about how you typically handle conflict before it arises. Do you usually avoid it altogether? Or do you accommodate to keep the peace? Are you more apt to compromise or collaborate to find a win-win for everyone? When you’re triggered, do you tend to get combative? Being aware of your conflict-resolution style (and your roommate’s) can provide helpful insight into each other, allowing you to address issues before they spiral out of control.
Nip Problems in the Bud
If half of your food is gone when you open the refrigerator or the bathroom sink is filthy whenever you brush your teeth, you need to say something. Suppose you don’t, expect tension to escalate. Just make sure to respond to problems in a calm, non-accusatory tone. It’s helpful to speak about how you feel rather than make cutting remarks about your roommate.
Aim for Being Best Roommates, Not Best Friends
College students often make the mistake of assuming their roommate will become their best friend. It’s okay if you and your roommate have different interests and friend groups. You can be great roommates even if you aren’t the best of pals. The key is to treat each other with respect and try to honor each other’s preferences.
How to Get Used to Living with Someone New
If you’ve never lived with anyone other than a family member, it may be an adjustment. You need to be more mindful of your habits and their effect when living with someone new. Likewise, you must ensure that your needs don’t get overlooked. Here are some ways to make the transition easier:
Carve out Personal Time
You may be so motivated to make your roommate relationship work that you neglect your own needs. Don’t fall into that trap. While it’s great to hang out and get to know each other, you don’t have to be interacting all the time. It’s essential to maintain your own interests. Make time for self-care, pursue your own hobbies, and stay connected to friends and family. You have a better chance of developing a good relationship with your roommate if you give each other some space.
Communicate
While it’s never a good idea to assume someone can read your mind, it’s essential not to have that expectation of a new roommate. They may not immediately notice that you prefer not to chat first thing in the morning or that it’s difficult for you to study with the TV on. If something is bothering you (or if you’re concerned that something could become a problem), let your roommate(s) know. Open conversations can prevent resentment from escalating.
Set a Good Example
If you want your roommate to be considerate, be considerate yourself. Knock before entering their room. Don’t interrupt when they have headphones on. Check in before inviting friends over. Keep noise down if guests stay into the evening. Pay bills on time. Be kind. Treat your roommate how you’d like to be treated. You’ll be more likely to receive considerate treatment in return.
What If You Don’t Like Your Roommate?
Sometimes, you end up living with a roommate who repeatedly pushes your buttons, even if they don’t mean to. Before you bolt, it’s worth engaging these strategies:
Look Within
It’s easy to write people off, but look in the mirror first. Ask yourself what bothers you about your roommate. Do they exhibit traits you wish you had? Is there some jealousy at play? Are you triggered because they possess qualities you don’t like in yourself? Or are you making assumptions about them without understanding why they say or do certain things? It’s worth discussing your feelings with a close friend or even a counselor to gain a deeper understanding of their source. Consider whether you can change something in your behavior that might bring about a change in theirs.
Speak Up
Rather than creating a story in your head about who your roommate is and why they behave the way they do, talk to them. But don’t just enumerate what you don’t like about them, which could leave them feeling hurt and defensive. Instead, explain how you feel when they say or do certain things. “I feel invisible when you open the front door, see me in the kitchen, and don’t acknowledge me,” you might say. “I also feel frustrated when you leave the sink full of dirty dishes when we agreed we’d clean up after ourselves,” you might add. “Is there a reason that would help me understand what’s going on?” you might ask. It’s possible a misunderstanding has occurred. And there may be a legitimate reason for their behavior. Communicating openly can shift the dynamic for the better, so it’s worth speaking up.
Spend Time Elsewhere
If your roommate has habits and behaviors that annoy you, consider spending more time outside your dorm room or apartment. Head to the gym, study in the library, hang out at your favorite coffee shop, get together with friends, or take an evening class. Being away from your shared space may ease your frustrations and improve your peace of mind.
Practice Mindfulness
It’s easy when you live with a challenging roommate to feel off-kilter. Try not to ruminate about ways you feel slighted or worry about what annoying thing might happen next. Engaging in mindfulness meditation keeps you grounded in the present. Other mindfulness practices, such as yoga, breathing exercises, or journaling, can also help lower stress levels and reduce anxiety.
What If Your Roommate Has a Mental Health Condition?
According to the National Institute of Mental Health Disorders, an estimated 26 percent of Americans ages 18 and older—about 1 in 4 adults—have a diagnosable mental disorder. And that percentage is higher among young adults. In fact, one study found that more than 60 percent of college students reported experiencing one or more mental health challenges.
Living with a roommate who suffers from a mental health condition like anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder can be stressful. In cases like these, greater sensitivity and patience are required; however, it’s also essential to look out for yourself. Here are some valuable tips:
Ask How You Can Be Supportive
Rather than tell your roommate what you think they should do, ask how you can be of help. If they say they need peace and quiet first thing in the morning, do your best to honor that request. Don’t assume you understand how they feel. If they’d like to talk, provide a listening ear. Validate their feelings without trying to talk them out of them. If you can’t help with a specific request, see if you can find someone who can.
Don’t Play Therapist
While listening can help reduce your roommate’s stress, it’s essential not to fall into the trap of acting like their therapist. That’s the job of a trained mental health professional, not a roommate. Even if you were a trained mental health counselor, it’s not healthy for one roommate to function as the other’s therapist. That creates an imbalanced power dynamic that won’t be good for either of you. If your roommate doesn’t have a therapist, suggest they find one.
Practice Self-Care
It’s important to practice self-care no matter what, but it’s even more critical when you’re living with someone who has a mental health condition. Ensure you get adequate sleep, engage in regular physical activity, socialize with good friends, and make time for relaxation. If you’re concerned that your roommate’s mental illness is becoming unmanageable for them (or for you), seek out help. If you’re in college, you might talk to an RA. If not, you might want to find your own therapist or—in worst-case scenarios—consider moving.
How to Deal with Roommate Conflicts
It’s unrealistic to expect that conflicts aren’t going to arise on occasion. You and your roommate are distinct individuals with unique personalities, backgrounds, and lifestyles. What’s most important is that you address conflicts in a way that maximizes the chances of resolving them. Here are some good strategies:
Talk Face-to-Face
First and foremost, avoid trying to resolve problems via email or texting. It’s too easy to misconstrue what someone means when you can’t hear their tone of voice or see their body language. And under no circumstances should you ever try to resolve conflict on social media. Not only are people more emboldened to be nasty on social media, but the whole world also becomes privy to your private business. Talking face-to-face is a must.
Choose an Appropriate Time
When tensions are high, that’s not the time to address conflict. Instead, find a time when you’re both calm. You might meet at a café or sit down to talk in a neutral area of your home (vs. someone’s bedroom). Make sure nothing else is distracting you when you do. Don’t talk when you’re on a deadline at work, feel exhausted after a late night out, or have a friend coming over in 15 minutes. Ensure you’re both well-rested and have sufficient time to focus.
Use “I” Statements
Expressing your feelings instead of attacking the other person is one of the most effective ways to handle conflict with anyone. Instead of saying, “You play loud music late at night,” you might say, “I have a hard time sleeping when music’s coming from your room after 11 o’clock.” When you speak about your own feelings and experiences, your roommate won’t be triggered to defend themselves. This increases the likelihood they’ll understand where you’re coming from—and adjust.
Listen Attentively
If you want your roommate to listen attentively to your side of the story, make sure you listen to theirs. Let them finish their thoughts without interrupting. Don’t figure out how you’re going to prove them wrong while they’re speaking. Just breathe and focus on what they’re saying. Observe their body language for other clues about how they’re feeling. And try to imagine what they might be going through. When someone feels heard, they become more open to compromise.
If All Else Fails, Move
Certain situations aren’t fixable. If you’ve expressed your concerns to your roommate, made concessions yourself, and nothing is changing, you may need to consider transferring to a different room or looking for a new roommate/new apartment. Remember: your mental health needs to come first.
How We Support Young People to Navigate Change and Relationships
At PrairieCare, we recognize the numerous challenges young people encounter as they transition from home to independent living. Living with a roommate can be a positive experience for many. Sometimes, though, it can exacerbate someone’s mental health issues, trigger prior trauma, or shine a spotlight on unhealthy family dynamics.
Our experienced multidisciplinary teams help young people develop the self-awareness necessary to form and maintain healthy relationships. Each individual’s treatment plan is tailored to their unique needs and life circumstances. With a full continuum of care and locations across Minnesota, we can meet young people where they are in their mental health journey.
There’s no reason to wait to get the care you or a loved one deserves. Call us at 952-826-8475 to discuss what service or program could work best for you.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you find a good roommate?
- There’s a better chance of having a good roommate experience if you meet in advance to determine if you’re a good fit. However, if you can’t, you can still increase the chances of having a good experience by setting ground rules upfront, creating an agreement, and addressing problems promptly.
What’s the best way to get used to living with someone new?
- Don’t let concerns fester. Communicate openly about your needs. Maintain personal time. Treat your roommate with courtesy and respect. It increases the likelihood of being treated that way in return.
What if your roommate annoys you?
- The first step is to look inward and identify what might be triggering you. Engage in mindfulness practices to calm your nerves. Explain to your roommate how you feel when they say or do certain things. Don’t make assumptions about who they are.
What do you do when your roommate is depressed?
- Ask your roommate how you can be helpful, but don’t take on the role of their therapist. Suggest they find a trained mental health professional. Meanwhile, make sure to take good care of your own physical and mental health.
How do you deal with roommate conflicts?
- Don’t email or text each other when you’re in conflict. Speak face-to-face. Find a time when you’re both undistracted. Speak about how you’re feeling rather than attacking your roommate. Listen when they speak, and refrain from interrupting. Try to put yourself in their shoes, and see if you can find a compromise.
Sources
- Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2021 Mar; 18(5): 2495.
- JPHSC. 2022 May
- J Affect Disord. 2022 Jun; 306; 138-147.