The holidays are full of fun and festivity, but can also be awkward, especially with relatives. Bringing everyone together is sometimes a recipe for tension, even conflict, and you may find yourself wanting to hide under the table or leave the gathering altogether.
Creating boundaries before holiday gatherings can help you navigate moments where values or expectations clash. And it can allow you to rise above the fray and enjoy the seasonal festivities, no matter who has opinions about your life, relationships, and work.
What You’ll Learn
- What are good boundaries?
- How do you set reasonable boundaries before the holidays?
- How do you support your mental health over the holiday season?
- What should you do if mental health symptoms get worse?
Quick Read
Holiday gatherings can be joyful, but they can also stir up tension, awkward conversations, or pressure to navigate other people’s expectations. Setting boundaries ahead of time helps you protect your emotional space so you can enjoy the parts of the season that matter to you. Boundaries remind you what you’re responsible for (your thoughts, values, and reactions) and what you’re not (other people’s feelings or choices).
Before heading into the holiday season, think ahead about situations that tend to overwhelm you. You might decide to limit the number of gatherings you attend, plan when you want to leave, or identify a few “escape options” like stepping outside for air or grabbing a coffee run. It also helps to ask a friend to be available for a quick text or call. Preparing for uncomfortable moments makes them easier to navigate when they happen.
During gatherings, stick to your boundaries by not taking comments personally, refusing to get pulled into conflict, and redirecting conversations when needed. If a topic feels intrusive or tense, you can gently change the subject or excuse yourself. Staying busy—setting the table, playing with kids, helping in the kitchen—can offer a natural buffer from difficult conversations. And if the season worsens anxiety, irritability, or depression, reach out for professional support.
What Are Good Boundaries?
A boundary draws a line around what belongs to you and what doesn’t. It defines what you are responsible for and where that responsibility ends. Some things that we are responsible for include our bodies, our values, our thoughts, our actions, and our emotions. When others cross into our space, trying to make us responsible for their actions or emotions—or to control ours—we can kindly but firmly reinforce our boundaries.
A sign that both people in an interaction have good boundaries is a sense of mutual respect, without crossing lines. You can respect someone’s beliefs without agreeing with them. And even if someone else doesn’t have good boundaries, you can continue to reinforce yours with patience and kindness.
“Good fences make good neighbors,” as Robert Frost writes in his poem “Mending Wall.” That’s because when we understand what’s ours and what isn’t, it’s easier to avoid confusion, misunderstandings, and inappropriate expectations.
Mental Health Benefits of Good Boundaries
Developing and enforcing personal boundaries can be uncomfortable, but it’s well worth the effort. According to Personality and Environmental Issues, being proactive in setting and maintaining boundaries contributes to stable relationships, positive mental health, and improved quality of life.
When you’re navigating tense situations, being kind but firm is always a good choice. Social and Personality Psychology Compass says that listening can go a long way in building trust and relationships. You can hear someone else’s point of view without giving up all your time, and you can respond instead of react when you feel like someone’s overstepping. Pay attention, be confident, and choose what you would like to do. You will get a mental health boost from having good relationships and making conscious choices for yourself.
What Does It Look Like to Set Good Boundaries Before the Holidays?
You can go into the holidays hoping that cringe-worthy conversations about your love life or interrogations about your future and your decisions won’t come up. But the better option is to prepare for when they do.
Decide Ahead of Time to Limit Your Social Activities
It’s not uncommon to experience anxiety before holiday events, even if you enjoy certain aspects of seasonal get-togethers. You don’t have to attend every holiday party or activity; in fact, you’ll likely need a break or some time to regroup. You can choose smaller gatherings or the ones where you know you’ll feel more comfortable. Mentally, you can even set a time to leave before you attend.
Come Up with “Escape Options”
At some point, you’re going to need a break—so come up with a few escape options to prepare for those moments. Plan to take a quick trip to the local coffee shop, go for a walk, or step outside to get in touch with a friend. Volunteer to go to the grocery store for a last-minute item, like a bag of ice.
Phone a Friend
We can all use an encouraging word when we’re feeling down or overwhelmed. Ask a friend or two to be on standby before the holiday festivities begin. That way, if you think that you’re starting to spiral or crash out, you can reach out for support. A simple text exchange or a short phone call may be all you need to reset and start feeling better.
How to Stick with Your Boundaries at Holiday Events
What does it look like to set and maintain good boundaries during the holidays when Aunt Mildred starts asking why you aren’t married, or your cousin Bill is prodding you about when you’ll “get a real job”? Here are some quick pointers:
Don’t Take It Personally
Most family members mean well, but they’re not subtle about expressing their concerns. They may have ideas of what they think will help you thrive in life that are based on their own experience and expectations. That’s not about you. Depending on your comfort level, you can laugh it off, change the subject, or share a little bit about your values and priorities.
Don’t Take the Bait
Some relatives might be on the hunt for a spirited conversation or even an open conflict. This is a good time to deflect. If someone starts poking fun or asks a mean-spirited question, just say, “Oh, that reminds me…” and ask another question on a different subject. You can also excuse yourself politely, like you’ve forgotten something important, and step away from the conversation altogether.
Refuse to Take Sides
If a conflict breaks out during a holiday gathering, relatives might try to get you to take sides. That can leave you feeling uncomfortable, angry, or even responsible for resolving the issue unfolding before you. But that conflict doesn’t belong to you. State clearly and firmly that you don’t want to be involved, and ask the opposing parties to resolve it themselves.
Find an Activity
If conversation is starting to fester and you feel like you’re getting cornered, find an opportunity to do something useful. Set the table, clear plates, clean up, play with the kids—generally make yourself busy.
Steer the Action Toward Something Fun
One way to divert awkward conversations is to create conversations you’d like to be in. Think about interesting things you can talk about with your relatives, or things you can do together that are simple and enjoyable.
Stewarding Your Mental Health
The holidays can be tough on your mental health, whether you have nosy relatives or not. The festive season is often full of memories, both good and bad, and they can elicit grief or feelings of loss. This can make it a little more challenging to manage sensitive conversations with family members, friends, or neighbors—you may not be in the mood to discuss your life choices, and you may feel anything but confident.
Lack of sleep and the cold weather can also affect your mood, so just pay attention to the signs that you’re sliding into a depressed or anxious state. With a little planning, you can stop and recenter instead of spiraling.
If Your Mental Health Doesn’t Improve
If you start feeling anxious, irritable, depressed, or angry during the holidays, and your symptoms start getting worse, you may need some extra help. Connect with a mental health professional to work through your symptoms, make adjustments, and process the thoughts and feelings the holidays bring.
PrairieCare is here to offer the guidance, treatment, and support that people of all ages need to thrive in their next chapter. The holidays can trigger mental health issues, but you don’t have to suffer alone. Get in touch with us today at 952-826-8475 to find out how we can help, or use the button below to request a screening.
FAQ
What are emotional boundaries?
- A boundary draws a line around what belongs to you and what doesn’t. It defines what you are responsible for and where that responsibility ends. Some things that we are responsible for include our bodies, our values, our thoughts, our actions, and our emotions. When others cross into our space, trying to make us responsible for their actions or emotions—or to control ours—we can kindly but firmly reinforce our boundaries.
How do I set boundaries during the holidays?
- To set boundaries during the holidays, decide in advance how you want to respond to challenging situations. Commit to not taking things personally, refuse to get drawn into conflicts, and divert toward activities you’d like to do instead. You can also come up with some “escape options” to take breaks and regroup, like visiting the local coffee shop or going for a walk.
How to set boundaries with family members?
- Decide ahead of time what is and isn’t your responsibility. Listen to your family members’ perspectives. Be kind but firm in maintaining your boundaries. Don’t take the bait to react emotionally; you get to decide how to respond.
Do boundaries hurt relationships?
- Boundaries make your relationships much better. They may be uncomfortable at first, especially if you have relationships where boundaries are often crossed. Your loved ones may feel rejected at first. However, if they care about the relationship, they will adjust — and you can begin to respect each other and trust each other more. Genuine relationships thrive on good boundaries.
Sources
- Taras Chernata. “Personal boundaries: definition, role, and impact on mental health.” March 2024. Personality and Environmental Issues 3(1):24-30 DOI:10.31652/2786-6033-2024-3(1)-24-30. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/379852826_Personal_boundaries_definition_role_and_impact_on_mental_healthOsobistisni_kordoni_viznacenna_rol_ta_vpliv_na_psihicne_zdorov’a
- Daniel Ames, Alice Lee, Abbie Wazlawek. “Interpersonal assertiveness: Inside the balancing act.” June 2017. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12317. https://compass.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/spc3.12317