Communication is at the heart of healthy friendships and romantic relationships. And texting with loved ones can support that goal, from checking in to coordinate meet-ups to sharing memes and photos. But arguing by text is often a different story.
While texting provides an easy way to connect, it’s not always the best option for handling conflict. Recognizing when to pause, when to utilize digital tools, and when to engage in face-to-face conversations can foster stronger, more resilient bonds with loved ones.
What You’ll Learn
- What are some of the benefits of arguing by text?
- What are the drawbacks of having hard conversations by text?
- When should you shift from texting to talking in an argument?
- Is texting easier for neurodivergent or anxious people?
Quick Read
Texting can help maintain connections in friendships and romantic relationships. It allows for quick check-ins and sharing moments. However, texting is not always the best way to handle conflicts. Arguments over text can lead to misunderstandings and prolonged disputes.
Research shows that many people have argued by text, and these conflicts often have negative effects on relationships. Quick responses can escalate tensions, making it harder to resolve issues. While texting can provide space to think, it can also lead to misinterpretations due to the absence of tone and body language cues.
For some, texting may feel safer, especially for those with anxiety or neurodivergence. However, it is important to recognize when to switch to face-to-face conversations. Setting guidelines for communication can help prevent misunderstandings and strengthen relationships.
What the Research Says About Arguing by Text
All technology comes with pros and cons, and texting is no exception. Research has shown that couples and friends often feel more connected when they can text throughout the day, especially if they live far apart or have limited time together.
Sending check-ins, encouragement, and affection via text can strengthen bonds, make people feel more cared for, and help maintain authentic relationships. However, when texting shifts from lighthearted exchanges to conflict, the outcomes are less positive.
A survey of more than 1,000 people shed light on insights into tense text exchanges:
- Nearly 80 percent of respondents reported having argued by text.
- 48 percent said they argued with romantic partners, and 37 percent argued with friends.
- Almost 60 percent reported that these conflicts had a negative impact on their relationships.
- 59 percent felt that text-based arguments prolonged the conflict instead of resolving it.
- Most participants said they responded to an angry text within 1–4 minutes, and about 10 percent admitted that they replied within 30 seconds.
The findings suggest that quick, emotionally charged responses are common in text-based arguments. Fast replies often escalate conflict. Texting doesn’t allow time to pause and reflect before responding.
Should I Text About Emotional Topics?
There are both benefits and risks to talking about sensitive issues via text. Whether arguing by text helps or hurts depends on the people involved, the topic at hand, and the state of the relationship.
Pros
- Time to regulate emotions: Texting can give each of you space to pause, calm down, and avoid impulsive reactions—if you can pause before responding.
- Space to process and reflect: Writing can clarify your thoughts and reduce the likelihood of saying something regrettable.
- Support for anxious personalities or people-pleasing tendencies: For some people, the distance of a screen can make it easier to express difficult truths.
- Benefits for neurodivergent people: Texting may be more manageable than face-to-face conversations because it removes the pressure to adhere to social norms, such as maintaining eye contact and processing nonverbal cues.
- Clarity: Having written messages to refer to can sometimes reduce short-term confusion about who said what and where things got complicated.
Cons
- Loss of tone and nuance: Without vocal inflection, facial expressions, or body language, texts are often misinterpreted.
- Escalation of conflict: Back-and-forth exchanges can intensify quickly, especially when one or both of you feel the need to respond immediately.
- Revisiting old arguments: Being able to reread old texts can reopen disagreements and resentments.
- Prolonged disputes: Arguments via text often stretch on longer than in-person discussions, preventing closure and resolution.
- Spiraling: With texting, you might be more likely to ruminate on the confusing or frustrating aspects of a conversation, keeping you stuck in anger or distress.
Communication Styles in Friendships and Romantic Relationships
Everyone communicates differently, and these differences can both strengthen and challenge relationships. In friendships, texting often feels like the natural choice, especially for convenience and speed.
However, conflict through text in a friendship can quickly erode trust. Without tone or body language, what one friend sees as a casual remark may come across as dismissive or harsh to the other. Misunderstandings like these often linger until both people can clarify their feelings in person or over the phone.
In romantic relationships, the stakes can be even higher. Texting can be helpful to check in throughout the day, but relying on it as the primary tool for resolving conflict can create cycles of misinterpretation.
When you try to work through deeply emotional issues in writing, you miss opportunities to connect emotionally in real time. Repeated tension via text can lead to problems like relationship depression, anxiety, overwhelm, and emotional regulation problems.
How Do Neurodivergence and Underlying Anxiety Impact Arguing Over Text?
For neurodivergent young adults, texting can be both a relief and a risk. If you’re neurodivergent, you might find it easier to express yourself when you can write and revise messages before sending. You don’t need to worry about controlling natural behaviors, such as fidgeting or pacing. Neurodivergent people also tend to get overwhelmed more easily and take longer to process than neurotypical people, and it’s easier to take your time when you text.
If you have anxiety, the idea of meeting in person or jumping on the phone might make you spiral. Emotional regulation can feel impossible in the midst of conflict, and you may become overwhelmed or lose focus quickly. Facing the conflict head-on can make your short-term anxiety more intense. However, it also may soothe your long-term anxiety, because you’ll likely have access to more nuance and resolution when meeting in person.
If you have neurodivergence or anxiety, acknowledging this and being open about your communication preferences can reduce misunderstandings and create stronger, more supportive relationships. It’s also a good idea to discuss specific parameters regarding texting before things get heated.
Should I Use ChatGPT for Arguments?
You might use ChatGPT or other chatbots to help you draft messages during arguments or sensitive conversations. Like texting, this has both benefits and drawbacks.
On the positive side, using any approach to slow yourself down and think about your responses is helpful. AI can help you pause, reframe your thoughts, and find less reactive language. It can also support you if you struggle to express yourself under stress.
On the other hand, relying too heavily on AI can make communication feel less authentic, as it can’t capture the personal tone or nuance that comes from speaking directly from the heart. AI doesn’t know your relationship history and your levels of trust and connection, so its advice and summaries probably don’t fully apply to your specific situation.
5 Ways to Improve (or Avoid) Arguing by Text
Texting about emotional topics sometimes offers a sense of safety and control. Other times, it creates confusion and distance. Direct, face-to-face conversations, though often more uncomfortable in the moment, are more likely to result in deeper understanding and repair. Here are some ways to improve texting conflicts or shift the argument to another form of communication.
1. Think about what’s worked and what hasn’t
Reflect on instances where digital communication was beneficial and when it caused more harm than good. What were the themes? What did you learn from those experiences? Recognizing patterns is the key to shifting behaviors.
2. Use positive communication skills in both digital and in-person interactions
Ultimately, the healthiest relationships aren’t defined by using one communication method exclusively, but by developing flexibility. Learning how to employ emotional regulation techniques, nonviolent communication, and other effective communication strategies enables you to respond and engage with loved ones more effectively.
3. Agree on parameters
If you continue to have difficult text conversations, consider pausing when things get heated and switching to talking in person or on the phone instead. Then, if your text communication starts feeling intense, you can remind the other person about your agreement.
4. Know when to take a conflict offline
Minor misunderstandings can often be smoothed over by text or worked out quickly and effectively. Other times, tension can continue to escalate in harmful ways. If any of the following are happening, you should stop messaging each other and figure out in-person or voice alternatives:
- Messages are becoming increasingly long or confusing
- One or both of you feel misunderstood
- You feel stuck in fight-or-flight mode
- You’re getting angry, frustrated, or despairing
- The conflict feels like it’s putting the relationship at risk
5. Have language prepared for when you want to stop texting
Sending a message like, “I think this is too important to work out over text. Can we talk in person or on a call?” can de-escalate a conversation and give you a chance to work things out in real time.
Treatment for Relationship Challenges at PrairieCare
Occasional miscommunication is a natural part of friendships and romantic relationships. However, when arguing and reactive fighting become a consistent part of a relationship, they can cause anxiety, distress, and irreparable damage. Learning how to de-escalate tense conversations and repair hurt feelings can help you build and maintain healthy, trusting relationships that can weather life’s ups and downs.
At PrairieCare, our comprehensive treatment programs help you improve intimacy and emotional regulation struggles. We treat underlying depression, anxiety, PTSD, and more to support individuals in gaining the tools to thrive.
Call us today at 952-826-8475 or use the button below to request a complimentary care questionnaire.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I argue by text?
- Arguing by text can prolong conflict and increase misunderstandings. It can also feel easier and less confrontational in the moment. However, if each of you are becoming increasingly reactive and hurt, consider in-person or phone conversations to resolve sensitive issues.
Should I use ChatGPT for arguments?
- ChatGPT can help organize thoughts and reframe wording, but it can’t and shouldn’t replace real human communication. If you’re going to use it, use it as a tool to clarify, not as a substitute for your own voice.
What are the risks of arguing with friends over text?
- Arguments with friends over text can escalate quickly, because tone, intent, and nuance can be lost when you aren’t able to actually hear one another. Shifting to real-time communication typically leads to faster resolution.
Are there any benefits of texting about emotional topics?
- Texting can be helpful for reflection and may reduce stress for people with anxiety or neurodivergence. If each person can temper the impulse to react immediately and defensively, it can also allow for space to cool down or think about responses.
How does neurodivergence affect communication?
- Young adults with ADHD, autism, or social anxiety may find texting more manageable, but misunderstandings are common if communication preferences are not shared openly. Discussing these needs with friends or partners can prevent conflict.
How do I know when to take an argument offline?
- If texts are becoming stuck, more heated, or more confusing, it’s time to pause and suggest moving the discussion to a phone call or in-person meeting.
Sources
- Monitoring the Future Panel Study Annual Report, 1976–2024.
- Scientific Reports. 2024 Feb; 3097.
- Addiction. 2023 Dec; 118 (12): 2449–2454.